Nothing new...

..... I keep trying to convince myself everything is so crazy.  And then I just sit back and realize that each day is quite similar to the one before it.  I wake up and map out my day.  Make all the effort to get things done.  Share some conversation, implement some knowledge, aim for happiness and laughter at every turn.  Recognize emotions and feelings that don't sit right and move on.  Never standing still.  Never wallowing.  Only trying to be better tomorrow than I was today.  Sharing time with people that matter to me. 

Taking every encounter for what it it is in that moment without trying to give it some greater weight than it deserves. 

And you grow weary.  So, you rest, renew, and start all over again.  

Eventually you look back, and realize you've come so far from where you started but the road ahead is still long.  So you walk. 

Two Zero One Seven

I cannot quite remember what it felt like to fall in love.  I do not think it happened in one fell swoop. I guess I should say, that if that is in fact how it happened, I was unable to recognize it because I knew not what it really was.  

How was I ever to know?  It all hit me one day. The idea of life without him immediately brought me to tears. I felt so deeply about traveling the rest of my days alone.  It was simply unbearable. 

There was no particular reason for the thought.  No life event that put it into any real perspective. Simply the thought of coming home to an empty house that made me incredibly sad. And then life happens.  You experience moments that allow your mind to wander to the darkest corners and contemplate your heartfelt fears becoming reality.  And now, you have to decide.  Fight or flight? Commit or abandon?  In every instance the pull to stay, fight, commit, wins over.  Every single time.

That's how I knew I'd found that perfectly described "Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't live without each other, love."

New year.  New love. 

is love patient?

they were the saddest words i think she'd ever spoken to me.  "i just want someone who loves me, and who is kind to me."  we'd had talks of this before, but this time.... it sounded so empty and so sincere all at once.   she sat in front of me at noon on a tuesday and begged for relief.  i knew i had to do everything i could to give it to her.  it was going to be a fight.  it was not going to be easy, but i've been pretty good at tough love for more than a minute of my life.  

she cried.  i cried.  she laughed.  i laughed.  and every so many hours, the demon would rear its ugly head and it was all she could think about.  he was insatiable.   after hours of the back and forth, finally she slept.  i was terrified to leave her.  

it was hard to understand.  hard to watch.  and mostly, it made me sad because i've known her at her best.  we were a long way from that.  

hours passed.  i tried to sleep.  i would startle awake thinking i had failed her by coming home.  had i abandoned her in her most desperate hour?

i made contact.  she was alive.  we had a plan.  

we hit the road. the hours were riddled with moments of sadness followed by moments of genius.  the profession of our love for one another was never ending.  she said it repeatedly.... "how'd i get so lucky?"  all i could say was.... ya just did sweetie.   the turmoil continued for hours, but eventually we found rest.  

life leads us to people.  there is something bigger than me. the desire to help other people find that in themselves has always been with me.  i suppose it will never leave.  

Mantra

i know i need this.  a place to speak freely and not get noticed.   it will be riddled with errors in punctuation and grammar... but sometimes a girl just needs to clear her head. 

ive spent almost two years building a team.  teaching.  trying.  growing.  going.  never stopping.  the danger comes when you need to slow down.  

i can do it myself.  its often easier that way.  this does not breed teamwork.  it does not breed productivity.  it does breed frustration.  it does breed distrust.  it does build a void. 

its not easy running an empire.  its not easy being the boss.  someone had faith enough in me to do it. i know i can do it.  

there are so many plates.  they are all full.  dont drop one.  everything matters.  every detail counts.  fresh limes. smiling faces.  clean bathrooms.  light bulbs. music. all of it.  nothing goes untouched. 

increase.  grow.  succeed. 

i want it all?

one of the things i have always had the hardest time doing is focusing on the one thing that i REALLY want to do.  well, maybe i dont have a hard time doing it, but it comes with a lot of decsion making and reasoning.  i try to look down the road and decide if i will still be happy with a decision four years from now.  i try to look back at decisions i have made and see if i am still in a good place with those decisions.

i look at my life now, and am so grateful for decisions i've made, the reasons, i've made them, and where they have taken me.  i, like most people, am always trying to improve myself, my surroundings, my life.  it takes constant effort. i stop doing things i need to do, start doing things i want to do, and before i know it, i am backtracking to the things i needed to do that have piled up and are now blocking my way to where i want to be.

i am not married. i do not have kids (of my own).  i dont have a retirement plan.  i dont have traditional investments.  in this moment, i dont think i ever will.  in this moment, i'm okay with it.

swimming, falling, who knows the difference?

Haven't you seen me sleepwalking? 
Cause I've been holding your hand 
Haven't you noticed me drifting? 
Oh let me tell you, I am 

Tell me it's nothing 
Try to convince me 
That I'm not drowning 
Oh let me tell you, I am 

Please, please tell me you know 
I've got to let you go 
I can't help falling out of love with you 

Why am I feeling so guilty? 
Why am I holding my breath? 
Worried about everyone but me 
And I just keep losing myself 

Tell me it's nothing 
Try to convince me 
That I'm not drowning 
Oh let me tell you, I am 

Please, please tell me you know 
I've got to let you go 
I can't help falling out of love with you 

Won't, won't you read my mind? 
Don't you make me lie here 
And die here 

Please, please tell me you know 
I've got to let you go 
I can't help falling out of love with you 
With you 

Haven't you noticed? I'm sleepwalking

in my mind....

... it will always be the little things that I cherish the most.  My Grandpa, Edward Mize Ramsey, SR.  passed away this past week.  I have been searching for things to say about him that would do justice to the feelings that flood me when I think of coming of age in his good graces.  It's been a challenge, but I find myself in a place a little desperate to try. 

My grandparents (Ed and Jessie Ruth; as he called her) had grandkids in waves.  First, my biggie and cousin Paige, myself, my little, and my cousins Nicole & Amanda.  We were round one.  All of us girls, the daughters of their two sons.   Later came the boys; Matthew and Will, both sons of their daughters.  

Us girls spent lots of time on Lake Allatoona and in pop-up campers and tents with the two of them.  Grandpa taught me how to bait my hook.   I remember the yellow and white minnow bucket where I first reached down my hand in efforts to hold on to one.  I remember him telling me; "You have to hook it through the eyes."  The terror in my mind of "murdering" this fish required much bravey through my first attempt.   I did it.  I felt so proud.  I cast my line, and soon enough....my first fish.  Off the hook and into the wire basket he went.   

We always went to the lake in the late afternoon.  We would drive in the big burgundy van and arrive just before the sun was setting.  It was and is still my favorite time of day.  I remember many peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on the boat, with potato chips and a sunkist.  My parents never bought canned drinks growing up.  My Grandpa and Grandma always had drinks in a can.  It was a treat. 

We would stay on the water until it was long after dark.  We always caught fish.  I can remember Grandpa saying it was time to go.  We would pack up the rods and reels and sail through the cool night air back to the dock.  I have vivd memories of these nights as I am sure my sisters do as well. 

For a while, at the end of summer, we would fry all the fish we had caught that year.  It was always a big family gathering and some of my favorite eating we ever did. 

Grandpa, for as long as I can remember, always had his chair.  Though replaced a time or two over the years, as a grandchild....always one of the most coveted seats in the house.   We would always try to be the one to get it if he got up.  But as soon as he returned, you knew without question your time had run up.

I remember nights of sitting in the living room floor looking through old pictures while Wheel of Fortune was on the TV.  They (both Grandma & Grandpa) rarely missed the puzzle.

I could go on and on.  The deck, the creek, naps in front of the sliding glass door in the perfection of warm sun.  It was possibly one of the biggest parts of my childhood.

I saw them a lot.  My father worked with them for years when they had their printing business.  I remember playing on a pallet jack and always being warned that I would hurt myself.  I remember the ramp.  I remember the typesetter.... this big blue computer type machine that I learned to type my name on.  And always..... the red tape.    I used to love watching them glue notepads together.  And it was a fun day when the coallater and stapler were in use. 

We went to church with them for many years.  Every Sunday, we would sit with them; singing hymns and listening to the word. 

I love him.  Though my time with him in the past few years was far too little, I loved him. 

We buried him yesterday.  The service and time with family will be cherished.  And more now than ever before, I cherish my Grandma.  I'm named after her.  Jessie Ruth Wimberly Ramsey and I; Jessica Ruth Ramsey.  She has shown amazing strength and courage though I know she misses him deeply.

I returned to the cymetery with my grandmother and all of her children.  It was that perfect time of day..... just before the sun was setting.  It made me think of all of the days on the lake.  I stood and stared at the ground where he lay.... right next to my Aunt Beth who went on many years before.  It was peaceful and I felt that he is at peace.

Grandpa, thank you for teaching me the most simple kind of love.  Thank you for loving me when I was not at my best.  Thank you for a lifetime of memories of happiness in the little things.  I will keep you close in my heart.