i have to go home....you are home.

some days i just feel like a winner.  i feel smart, accomplished, and like everyday i am becoming better at what i do and how i do it. 

other days, i feel like everything is on lockdown and i cannot budge an inch without everything collapsing around me.

and today, i feel like everything is liquid.  like its all contained but moving around within its limits until it settles.

i know im not fat.  i feel fat.  i want to feel thin.

i know im not ugly.  i feel ugly.  i want to feel pretty.

i know that life is hard.  it feels hard.  i want it to feel comfortable.

building blocks.  start with the basics.  and first, i have to look in the mirror and feel like a rockstar.  only then can i conquer the world. 

somedays i do feel this way.  i need to feel this way EVERY DAY!

so this is day one.  again.

why are we invisible???

its impossible for us to see what everyone else can see.  we only think the worst.  feel the worst.  and imagine the worst about ourselves.

its devistating.

heartbreaking.

and down right depressing.

how do you get past it?

new year, new nothing?

i can appreciate that at the turn of the calendar everyone takes time to look back at what the past twelve months have afforded them.  all the more better if you can reflect lovingly on opportunities that didnt pass you by and items checked off a list.

i try to look back on my life pretty often.  where was i a few months ago, a few years ago, and even a decade ago (i can do that now....i'm approaching 30)?  life has privileged me with opportunities to try try again more than i care to remember sometimes.  some lessons are easily learned.  other times i just convince myself that there is no other way to do things because i cant seem to do it any way other than the hard one.

so i have another day to live.  more plans to make.  more smiles to share.  more love to give.  and i ask.....what in the world do i do with it?  when we are in relationships with others, we give so much.  we offer love, comfort, and companionship to those around us and often recieve it in return.  oddly enough, its common practice.  and over time, the love and companionship builds expectations from one another as to how these relationships should be maintained.  we are given guidelines on what to expect at certian landmarks in time.  Happy Birthday...here is a gift.  Merry Christmas....i got this something special for you.  Happy New Year....here is a kiss. 

against every fiber of my being.....i fight these traditions and just tell myself that i'm different and i dont need these things.  and to be totally honest, most of these moments pass without a second thought for me.  but there is something about being surrounded by twosomes who honor these traditions with their respected rewards, and not being a part of it......you feel left out.

last night, i stood alone on stage watching fireworks while thousands around me embraced each other and welcomed the turning of the calendar.  i thought to myself, what do i want out of this year.  if given the option to have it all, where would i start?

so here is my declaration.  
i will do everything in my power to gain back the things i have lost in life. 
i will do everything in my power to strengthen those relationships that matter most to me. 
i will give my best and most humble efforts to enrich the lives of those around me.
i will spend time each day doing something for myself.
i will travel
i will increase my wardrobe.
i will be happy with what i see in the mirror
i will stop being concerned with the details of peoples lives because i CANNOT control them
i will cry when i am sad
i will spend an entire day in bed and not feel guilty
i will find a reason to laugh every day

and most of all.....
i will be me.   the best and worst of it.