new year, new nothing?

i can appreciate that at the turn of the calendar everyone takes time to look back at what the past twelve months have afforded them.  all the more better if you can reflect lovingly on opportunities that didnt pass you by and items checked off a list.

i try to look back on my life pretty often.  where was i a few months ago, a few years ago, and even a decade ago (i can do that now....i'm approaching 30)?  life has privileged me with opportunities to try try again more than i care to remember sometimes.  some lessons are easily learned.  other times i just convince myself that there is no other way to do things because i cant seem to do it any way other than the hard one.

so i have another day to live.  more plans to make.  more smiles to share.  more love to give.  and i ask.....what in the world do i do with it?  when we are in relationships with others, we give so much.  we offer love, comfort, and companionship to those around us and often recieve it in return.  oddly enough, its common practice.  and over time, the love and companionship builds expectations from one another as to how these relationships should be maintained.  we are given guidelines on what to expect at certian landmarks in time.  Happy Birthday...here is a gift.  Merry Christmas....i got this something special for you.  Happy New Year....here is a kiss. 

against every fiber of my being.....i fight these traditions and just tell myself that i'm different and i dont need these things.  and to be totally honest, most of these moments pass without a second thought for me.  but there is something about being surrounded by twosomes who honor these traditions with their respected rewards, and not being a part of it......you feel left out.

last night, i stood alone on stage watching fireworks while thousands around me embraced each other and welcomed the turning of the calendar.  i thought to myself, what do i want out of this year.  if given the option to have it all, where would i start?

so here is my declaration.  
i will do everything in my power to gain back the things i have lost in life. 
i will do everything in my power to strengthen those relationships that matter most to me. 
i will give my best and most humble efforts to enrich the lives of those around me.
i will spend time each day doing something for myself.
i will travel
i will increase my wardrobe.
i will be happy with what i see in the mirror
i will stop being concerned with the details of peoples lives because i CANNOT control them
i will cry when i am sad
i will spend an entire day in bed and not feel guilty
i will find a reason to laugh every day

and most of all.....
i will be me.   the best and worst of it.