i dont know why i stop

i get so excited to get things out of my head and then i deprive myself of this seemingly ritualistic purging of things that are plaguing me.  sometimes i find the things swimming in my head so unbelievably unrealistic that i start to wonder just how crazy i really am.....and then, something happens to confirm what turns out to be my not so crazy thoughts and i get so worked up about doubting myself that i need the clarity of trusting my own instincts to be affirmed.

its exhausting.  and then i look in the mirror, tired of seeing myself teary and doubtful and i beat myself up for questioning my own certainty.

see its like this......i find that some are so focused on what they want...they let nothing get in the way of that.  not a relationship, a friend, a family, a career, NOTHING.  they lay everything on the line to get what they want.  and it always includes their class, their integrity, the mystery of human prowess, and lets not forget the dignity. and they walk away from their fleeting moment of satisfaction empty handed and a little less human than they were before.  and if you know it or not....you died a little inside.  the world requires us to think so much of ourselves that i truly wonder where we will be 10 years from now.  we need so little from everyone else and are so anxious to be instantly gratified that the pay off for things is rarely what we anticipate.

gained a few extra pounds?  go to the gym for an hour every day, eat well, and in a month you might lose 10 lbs.  or  round up $5k and spend 2 hours in a doctors office having it all sucked out of you.

don't get me wrong.... i am as guilty as the next guy for wanting what i want when i want it, but the days of  working for it are over.  and it makes the outcome so unrewarding.  and it all seems so dull.

i miss the sparkle.  i miss the build up.  i miss the beauty of an earned moment.

maybe i am just getting old.  you kids these days....have no idea what it used to be like.

back to black....back in black....paint it black...

i am going back to black hair.  i know this may sound weird as most of probably think my hair is black already....but it has been this strange shade of in between black and brown for some time and moment ago i decided it was driving me crazy.
so here i sit.....waiting on the process.  and on the other side....i feel the small evil that exists in me slowly emerging ready to come out and play.

i leave tomorrow for Sturgis.  If you dont know what this is....look it up.  Needless to say, because of band gear and bodies we are driving......24 hours.  the good news is Elwood is going to keep me company the whole way there.  oh the stories to tell when its all over.  i may even decide to wrestle a midget.

anyhow......shit tons of work to do today.....once the hair is back to its rightful state.

love love love.

why is trust so hard?

i want to do it...but i just never feel like i am getting it to the extent that i really. need. it.  in this day and age of digital relationships no one really has to work any harder than becoming facebook friends or obtaining a phone number to ignite what in the olden days would very much be considered a relationship with someone.  friends on facebook means you can secretly message one another and exchange whatever naughties you so desire....and all the while....no one else has to know about it unless they happen upon your secret digital code that unlocks that silent but devastating universe you created on the interweb.  and don't get me started on text messaging.  i love it because i hate verbal phone conversations as i am usually an "i just have one question" girl and could give a shit about your day, what you are wearing...your lunch or your plans later.....  but when used to develop secret flirtations that would otherwise be impossible due to location, scheduling, and lack of actual face to face...voice on voice interactions...i have to admit i find it cowardly and a safe but unsafe way of "cheating" if you will.

now let me clarify.  i am in the midst of an open relationship....one that i love being in.  but deciding when the honesty comes is not entirely up to me.  and it is massively frustrating at times.  when attempting to have a conversation and being interrupted by a text that gets answered for whatever reason before mine....and i am standing right in front of you....it is frustrating....and feels rude. 

here is my theory....on open relationships...time apart....the honesty that goes with....and all things i cannot control................ open requires unjust and untimely honesty.  open requires massive amounts of tolerance that the average Joe/Jane can rarely achieve.  and open requires...........first and foremost....fair play.  you can never do something that you would not be okay with the opposing party doing.  ever.  period.  no matter how tempting.  no matter how "okay".....if you would be bothered receiving the same news....its not a good idea.

the difficulty:  when one is willing to accept something that you would never do...for your own personal reasons....

the aftermath:  usually sadness followed by the realization that this is part of the territory you are in. 

with freedom comes great responsibility.  as an American....freedoms mean following law.  in a relationship.... freedom means willingness to fall in line with what you wouldn't do but what the other side would.  right or wrong?  who the hell knows.  good or bad....who really cares...  but for me....the life i choose.

my "indiscretion" are few.  my "infidelity" even more sparse.  but my love....oh my love..... so deep it runs.  and even through tears....i feel nothing but blessed.

time to start again....

I used to do this often; sometimes multiple times a day....in this no man's land called live journal.  And I truly had some inspiring thoughts that sprang to life due to the minimal act of simply releasing them from my head.  So I start again.  I am pretty thrilled about it as the other half of me that is male has started traveling and I find myself staying awake and swimming with thoughts that somehow squelched themselves by the simplicity of having someone in bed next to me.

Distractions.  Blog One.  I have traveled the past couple of years of my life alongside one of the most truly passionate and motivated people I have ever encountered.  At this point, I imagine eyes rolling and people saying various things in their heads about how superficial and unrealistic I must be.  You don't know me anymore.  If you would like to reacquaint yourself....I'm sure you could find plenty of platforms to make your judgements on but mostly I would like to say to you............nothing at all.

Back to it.  The man around the house...led me to a new life.  A life of freedom to be myself.  He is not my savior.  I do not worship the ground he walks on.  He brought me brutal honesty in a sugar-coated unrealistic existence that used to be my life.  What does that feel like you ask?  At times devastating...and in others....pure bliss.  Its like getting ahead of the game.

and yes.... i love him.

I work A LOT.  I like it. Its exhausting....but its mine.  I have no boss.  I have employees.  If you would have said to me after highschool that I would be self-employed running a bar living in an amazing house with someone 20 years older than me....i would have been so insulted and would have immediately told you that I had plans to save the world.  In a sense...I feel that I am.  Not with mission trips to Argentina or with a city wide rally to turn your eyes upon Jesus.....but with honest living...lots of love...and a heart of gold.

this is the beginning of reminding myself who I want to be...and realizing each day that I am still moving in the right direction....

stay tuned.