i dont know why i stop

i get so excited to get things out of my head and then i deprive myself of this seemingly ritualistic purging of things that are plaguing me.  sometimes i find the things swimming in my head so unbelievably unrealistic that i start to wonder just how crazy i really am.....and then, something happens to confirm what turns out to be my not so crazy thoughts and i get so worked up about doubting myself that i need the clarity of trusting my own instincts to be affirmed.

its exhausting.  and then i look in the mirror, tired of seeing myself teary and doubtful and i beat myself up for questioning my own certainty.

see its like this......i find that some are so focused on what they want...they let nothing get in the way of that.  not a relationship, a friend, a family, a career, NOTHING.  they lay everything on the line to get what they want.  and it always includes their class, their integrity, the mystery of human prowess, and lets not forget the dignity. and they walk away from their fleeting moment of satisfaction empty handed and a little less human than they were before.  and if you know it or not....you died a little inside.  the world requires us to think so much of ourselves that i truly wonder where we will be 10 years from now.  we need so little from everyone else and are so anxious to be instantly gratified that the pay off for things is rarely what we anticipate.

gained a few extra pounds?  go to the gym for an hour every day, eat well, and in a month you might lose 10 lbs.  or  round up $5k and spend 2 hours in a doctors office having it all sucked out of you.

don't get me wrong.... i am as guilty as the next guy for wanting what i want when i want it, but the days of  working for it are over.  and it makes the outcome so unrewarding.  and it all seems so dull.

i miss the sparkle.  i miss the build up.  i miss the beauty of an earned moment.

maybe i am just getting old.  you kids these days....have no idea what it used to be like.