in my mind....

... it will always be the little things that I cherish the most.  My Grandpa, Edward Mize Ramsey, SR.  passed away this past week.  I have been searching for things to say about him that would do justice to the feelings that flood me when I think of coming of age in his good graces.  It's been a challenge, but I find myself in a place a little desperate to try. 

My grandparents (Ed and Jessie Ruth; as he called her) had grandkids in waves.  First, my biggie and cousin Paige, myself, my little, and my cousins Nicole & Amanda.  We were round one.  All of us girls, the daughters of their two sons.   Later came the boys; Matthew and Will, both sons of their daughters.  

Us girls spent lots of time on Lake Allatoona and in pop-up campers and tents with the two of them.  Grandpa taught me how to bait my hook.   I remember the yellow and white minnow bucket where I first reached down my hand in efforts to hold on to one.  I remember him telling me; "You have to hook it through the eyes."  The terror in my mind of "murdering" this fish required much bravey through my first attempt.   I did it.  I felt so proud.  I cast my line, and soon enough....my first fish.  Off the hook and into the wire basket he went.   

We always went to the lake in the late afternoon.  We would drive in the big burgundy van and arrive just before the sun was setting.  It was and is still my favorite time of day.  I remember many peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on the boat, with potato chips and a sunkist.  My parents never bought canned drinks growing up.  My Grandpa and Grandma always had drinks in a can.  It was a treat. 

We would stay on the water until it was long after dark.  We always caught fish.  I can remember Grandpa saying it was time to go.  We would pack up the rods and reels and sail through the cool night air back to the dock.  I have vivd memories of these nights as I am sure my sisters do as well. 

For a while, at the end of summer, we would fry all the fish we had caught that year.  It was always a big family gathering and some of my favorite eating we ever did. 

Grandpa, for as long as I can remember, always had his chair.  Though replaced a time or two over the years, as a grandchild....always one of the most coveted seats in the house.   We would always try to be the one to get it if he got up.  But as soon as he returned, you knew without question your time had run up.

I remember nights of sitting in the living room floor looking through old pictures while Wheel of Fortune was on the TV.  They (both Grandma & Grandpa) rarely missed the puzzle.

I could go on and on.  The deck, the creek, naps in front of the sliding glass door in the perfection of warm sun.  It was possibly one of the biggest parts of my childhood.

I saw them a lot.  My father worked with them for years when they had their printing business.  I remember playing on a pallet jack and always being warned that I would hurt myself.  I remember the ramp.  I remember the typesetter.... this big blue computer type machine that I learned to type my name on.  And always..... the red tape.    I used to love watching them glue notepads together.  And it was a fun day when the coallater and stapler were in use. 

We went to church with them for many years.  Every Sunday, we would sit with them; singing hymns and listening to the word. 

I love him.  Though my time with him in the past few years was far too little, I loved him. 

We buried him yesterday.  The service and time with family will be cherished.  And more now than ever before, I cherish my Grandma.  I'm named after her.  Jessie Ruth Wimberly Ramsey and I; Jessica Ruth Ramsey.  She has shown amazing strength and courage though I know she misses him deeply.

I returned to the cymetery with my grandmother and all of her children.  It was that perfect time of day..... just before the sun was setting.  It made me think of all of the days on the lake.  I stood and stared at the ground where he lay.... right next to my Aunt Beth who went on many years before.  It was peaceful and I felt that he is at peace.

Grandpa, thank you for teaching me the most simple kind of love.  Thank you for loving me when I was not at my best.  Thank you for a lifetime of memories of happiness in the little things.  I will keep you close in my heart.

melancholy

i'm not one to fear death.  it doesnt scare me nearly as much as carrying on without the ones i love. 

forgive the morbid and desperate nature of this post.  my great grandmother left this planet today after 97 incredible years of putting smiles on the faces of everyone she ever encountered.  it would be untruthful to say we didnt see it coming.  and though i know she is thrilled to be where she landed, of course she is ours to mourn.

its hard to explain the feeling that comes over you when a life you know, ends.  i cant say its sadness.  i cant say it is grief.  its mostly, the lack of understanding that the circle became complete.  i cant honestly say i know why any of us are here; but i do believe each of us has purpose.  i cannot with any certainty say that we ever truly know what it is; nor do i really believe figuring it out has anything to do with our journey.

we are given life.  it takes two people and whatever special miracle occurs for us to become flesh and blood.  we are born. we grow. we learn. we encounter. we teach. we couple. we create an existence that brings us feelings of inexplicable joy and love. 
....and at some point.  it gets taken away.

i always wonder if i really know what love is.  and the only way i can ever really tell is to think about that person not just leaving my life; but no longer existing.  death.  all of it.  and though torturous, my true love is measured in the volume of tears the mere thought of it can produce.

if i cannot be with you.....id rather not be.

dont go without me.

i have to go home....you are home.

some days i just feel like a winner.  i feel smart, accomplished, and like everyday i am becoming better at what i do and how i do it. 

other days, i feel like everything is on lockdown and i cannot budge an inch without everything collapsing around me.

and today, i feel like everything is liquid.  like its all contained but moving around within its limits until it settles.

i know im not fat.  i feel fat.  i want to feel thin.

i know im not ugly.  i feel ugly.  i want to feel pretty.

i know that life is hard.  it feels hard.  i want it to feel comfortable.

building blocks.  start with the basics.  and first, i have to look in the mirror and feel like a rockstar.  only then can i conquer the world. 

somedays i do feel this way.  i need to feel this way EVERY DAY!

so this is day one.  again.

why are we invisible???

its impossible for us to see what everyone else can see.  we only think the worst.  feel the worst.  and imagine the worst about ourselves.

its devistating.

heartbreaking.

and down right depressing.

how do you get past it?

new year, new nothing?

i can appreciate that at the turn of the calendar everyone takes time to look back at what the past twelve months have afforded them.  all the more better if you can reflect lovingly on opportunities that didnt pass you by and items checked off a list.

i try to look back on my life pretty often.  where was i a few months ago, a few years ago, and even a decade ago (i can do that now....i'm approaching 30)?  life has privileged me with opportunities to try try again more than i care to remember sometimes.  some lessons are easily learned.  other times i just convince myself that there is no other way to do things because i cant seem to do it any way other than the hard one.

so i have another day to live.  more plans to make.  more smiles to share.  more love to give.  and i ask.....what in the world do i do with it?  when we are in relationships with others, we give so much.  we offer love, comfort, and companionship to those around us and often recieve it in return.  oddly enough, its common practice.  and over time, the love and companionship builds expectations from one another as to how these relationships should be maintained.  we are given guidelines on what to expect at certian landmarks in time.  Happy Birthday...here is a gift.  Merry Christmas....i got this something special for you.  Happy New Year....here is a kiss. 

against every fiber of my being.....i fight these traditions and just tell myself that i'm different and i dont need these things.  and to be totally honest, most of these moments pass without a second thought for me.  but there is something about being surrounded by twosomes who honor these traditions with their respected rewards, and not being a part of it......you feel left out.

last night, i stood alone on stage watching fireworks while thousands around me embraced each other and welcomed the turning of the calendar.  i thought to myself, what do i want out of this year.  if given the option to have it all, where would i start?

so here is my declaration.  
i will do everything in my power to gain back the things i have lost in life. 
i will do everything in my power to strengthen those relationships that matter most to me. 
i will give my best and most humble efforts to enrich the lives of those around me.
i will spend time each day doing something for myself.
i will travel
i will increase my wardrobe.
i will be happy with what i see in the mirror
i will stop being concerned with the details of peoples lives because i CANNOT control them
i will cry when i am sad
i will spend an entire day in bed and not feel guilty
i will find a reason to laugh every day

and most of all.....
i will be me.   the best and worst of it.