melancholy

i'm not one to fear death.  it doesnt scare me nearly as much as carrying on without the ones i love. 

forgive the morbid and desperate nature of this post.  my great grandmother left this planet today after 97 incredible years of putting smiles on the faces of everyone she ever encountered.  it would be untruthful to say we didnt see it coming.  and though i know she is thrilled to be where she landed, of course she is ours to mourn.

its hard to explain the feeling that comes over you when a life you know, ends.  i cant say its sadness.  i cant say it is grief.  its mostly, the lack of understanding that the circle became complete.  i cant honestly say i know why any of us are here; but i do believe each of us has purpose.  i cannot with any certainty say that we ever truly know what it is; nor do i really believe figuring it out has anything to do with our journey.

we are given life.  it takes two people and whatever special miracle occurs for us to become flesh and blood.  we are born. we grow. we learn. we encounter. we teach. we couple. we create an existence that brings us feelings of inexplicable joy and love. 
....and at some point.  it gets taken away.

i always wonder if i really know what love is.  and the only way i can ever really tell is to think about that person not just leaving my life; but no longer existing.  death.  all of it.  and though torturous, my true love is measured in the volume of tears the mere thought of it can produce.

if i cannot be with you.....id rather not be.

dont go without me.